Malls on Mars

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Published on The Doomstead Diner on April 1, 2017

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It was announced today that Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Eddie Lampert will be joining forces and offering up an IPO for a new corporation, MOM Incorporated which will move all the Malls currently on Earth to Mars, where the Real Estate prices are quite low and taxes are non-existent.  Goldman Sachs will underwrite this IPO and is setting the price on Opening Day at $20/share for an initial Market Cap of $1T, dwarfing even the market cap of Alibaba, Google, Apple and Amazon put together.

Investors are excited about the potential for MOM.

"MOM could give birth to a whole new form of retailing", remarked one of the Tyler Durdens from Zero Hedge, speculating in his article how Mars was the New Frontier for Free Market Capitalism.

"There is no regulation or Goobermint interference on Mars. The new Malls will be completely free of Environmental concerns and will usher in a new era of Prosperity on Earth as the products are shipped in from elsewhere in the Solar System." Tyler added.

George Soros and Crispin Odey also believe this is a great new investment opportunity for their Hedge Funds, and Bill Gross has committed to buying all the bonds they issue with money he borrows at negative 1% interest rates from the Federal Reserve.

"This is a Riskless Investment." said Gross.  Da Goobermint of the FSoA pays us to borrow money from them, then we loan the freshly printed money to MOM at 5% and they pay us for the privilege of using the money we borrowed.  There is no chance they can go bankrupt, because Elon, Jeff and Eddie are all TBTF, so if they run short of cash we will loan them more money."

Progressives and Union Organizers were sceptical about the potential of MOM however, since many jobs as retail sales clerks and Starbucks Barristas would be off-planeted to Mars.  However, with no Brown People or Asian People to staff the malls, it was unclear at first how this problem could be overcome. Some suggestions were made that Suicidal White People with no future on Earth could be transported to Mars to staff these Malls.

The questions that have arisen as to how the new Malls on Mars would be staffed were initially difficult to answer, but Ray Kurzweil assured investors this would not be an issue, since the malls would be staffed entirely by robots who would not need Health Insurance or Retirement Bennies.

"Homo Saps are entirely unnecessary in this equation." said Kurzweil.  "The Malls on Mars will eliminate the need for any Homo Sap Useless Eaters, and commerce between Singularity Microchips will be the Profit Center of the coming Millenia." he detailed, in a meeting with POTUS El Trumpo.

The Donald was satisfied with this answer on a bizness level, but still somewhat concerned with the blowback.

"Will the robots have Pussies I can grab?" The Donald asked Kurzweil?

El Trumpo was assured by a Japanese Manufacturer of Sex Dolls that the Robot staff would have fully functional and wet pussies to grab, and would never sue him for sexual harrasment.  After being given a prototype model to practice with, the Donald was convinced this was the wave of the future and had his daughter Ivanka buy a 25% stake in MOM and lobbied Congress with his great Negotiating Skills to give the new corporation Tax Exempt status for all their operations, on Earth or on Mars, and everywhere else in the Universe until the End of Eternity .

Negotiations were held in Brussels for a new "Trans-Planetary Partnership" (TPP), and passed after a rousing speech by Jean-Claude Juncker reinforcing to all the unelected delegates that "When it gets serious, you have to lie."  Mario Draghi promised to do "whatever it takes" to get MOM off the ground and vowed to print enough Euros to walk on in a continuous stream from Earth to Mars.  In fact, you would not need to walk at all, it would be a moving sidewalk of Euros!

Jimmy Hoffa rose from the dead from under the gridiron of Giant Stadium in the Meadowlands to decry the move of Malls to Mars by the MOM Corporation and the legislation of the new Trans-Planetary Partnership.

"This will destroy good paying Amerikan Jobs in manufacturing!", Hoffa was quoted as saying after his resurrection.  "The Teamsters cannot support this legislation unless all the Robots are Unionized and pay dues and we have guaranteed protection against Scab Robots!"

Trading was suspended in MOM stock on the second day of trading when it was revealed in an email hack from Wikileaks by Julian Assange that Elon Musk was in fact a disguised Alien Reptile and all the profits from the new Malls on Mars would be off-planeted to a small island on a remote planet in the Betelgeuse system, the off-planet tax haven for billions of Reptiles Hitchiking their way around the Galaxy.

The future of MOM remains uncertain at this time, however there are rumours of a merger between Goldman Sachs and the Ferengi which could salvage the deal.  Goldman is offering 7B Homo Sap Useless Eaters as collateral, in return for 1 ounce of Gold Pressed Latinum and 2 Dilithium Crystals to power the malls for 1 week on start up.

The future of Civilization on Planet Earth depends on making this deal!  We urge all of Humanity to buy stock in MOM, even though it is run by Reptiles.  Geckos are cute, right?  Warren Buffet's GEICO insurance does well with a Gecko Mascot!  Gotta love those Reptiles!