Off the keyboard of RE
Published on the Doomstead Diner on January 1, 2015
Discuss this Story at the Collapse Fiction Table inside the Diner
My name is Alpha-Omega, and I am Immortal. This is my story.
I’m not Immortal in the same way as the Highlanders, a few of whom I have run into over the last few centuries. They occasionally do die, when they get decapitated. Otherwise though, they last pretty well, a few like Duncan MacLeod have made it through centuries in the same corporeal shell. Eventually though, all the Highlanders get caught up in some shit that separates their heads from the rest of the biomass of their bodies, a good half dozen went to the Great Beyond during the French Revolution, as I recall. Marie Antoinette was one of them, and I can’t say I was sorry to see her go, even though she was great in the sack. Otherwise though, a first class bitch on all levels. You could think of her as Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Janet Yellin, Sara Palin, Margaret Thatcher, Blythe Masters, Miley Cyrus, Angela Merkel, Michelle Bachmann, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Condaleeza Rice all smushed together into one female human form, although to be honest she was even bitchier than any of them!
Let me get this straight…you REALLY think the World would be a better place if Matriarchy had conquered Patriarchy and Women Ruled the World?
I’m not trapped in one corporeal shell like the Highlanders, I jump from shell to shell every time my corporeal host dies. You could think of it like reincarnation, but the difference is in every jump all my memories remain intact and in each body I inhabit, I always have the same personality, although I behave differently depending on the era, the gender of the host, and the class to which I am born in any given era. Depending when, how where and to whom you were born impacts a LOT on how you have to behave in a given lifetime, regardless of your personality, or even if you are an immortal who has lived many times before. I don’t seem to have much choice on death into what host I will jump into, it is always though an infant or toddler in the 1-3 year old range. The first few years of this are pretty rough to deal with, its tough when you have the knowledge of millenia in your head while you are still trying to wire up right to do decent walking, and figure out the current language you need to be speaking to be understood. After much pondering on this for the last few millenia, I think where I end up is determined by which way the Jet Stream is moving upon death of the old host, but I don’t have any good data to back up that hypothesis. There might be a Geotectonic Component to this also, as some of my more recent research indicates.
Anyhow, back in 1957, after spending a fairly long time inhabiting the corporeal shell of Genevieve, a French Prostitute turned Madame in her dotage, I made the jump into the corporeal shell of the asshole who is now known as RE in the Collapse Blogosphere. I haven’t previously revealed my Identity as an Immortal, because it might ruin my credibility on the Internet, but since the shit is going down so fast now I figured it was Now or Never so I better fess up. LOL.
I was first born as I best I can recall around 75,000 years ago in Central Africa, around the current location of the ongoing Ebola Plague in Sierra Leone. I might have been born before that since I have some dim memories of climbing down from the trees and picking up rocks to bash in the skulls of some of the local antelope and wild pigs, but since at that time I didn’t have much self-awareness or language capability to formulate ideas and retain them in my memory, I only have some emotions and images left in the memory, and they are none too clear. So for all intents and purposes, the lifetimes of Alpha-Omega start 75,000 years ago, about 30 years before Toba went Ballistic.
Of course, my name wasn’t Alpha-Omega in those days, I only picked that one up after spending 40 Days and 40 Nights arguing the realities of Shadows on the Cave Wall with Plato over the
internet campfire (sorry mixed up the era there). My birth-name when Toba shot its load was Nibiru. I personally am responsible for all the speculation about a major Earth-Asteroid collision occuring sometime in the 21st Century, I started circulating this idea shortly after I had some conversations with Nicholas Copernicus back in around 1492 I think it was, in a bar outside of Krakow in modern day Poland. Nick told me I was full of shit at the time, and he wasn’t too impressed with my academic credentials either, since I was just a Bartender and he was working his way up to becoming a Big Time Academic while he was studying bullshit at the University of Krakow. I think it is called Jagiellonian University now. I bet him 50 Silver Pieces of Eight that all life on Earth would be extinguished in a massive collision with a Planer Killer asteroid by 2100 the latest, and he took the bet!
Anyhow, Nick is long since dead here, so he can’t win this bet no matter what. We put the Pieces of Eight in Escrow, and I collected his share when he croaked in the Spring of 1543 I as I recall. He wasn’t Immortal at all, not even the Highlander kind, just another short-timer on the Earth. Nick was a first class scientist but a bad gambler. Making a bet like that against an Immortal is just plain stupid. In his defense, he wasn’t aware I was Immortal though. Stories of the bet were picked up in the bar, and they have been circulating ever since.
Anyhow, the first 30 years of decent recollection were pretty good in Sierra Leone, there wasn’t any Ebola Virus running around back then! It was quite warm so everybody ran around naked all the time, even the women!
I held quite a few jobs during that period, for a while I found medicinal plants for one of the healers in my youth, then I did some toolmaking, and around the time the Skies Went Dark mysteriously and the weather changed wickedly (I saw the first SNOWFALLS I remember that year) I was pulling freight with a Zebra I tamed between the coast and my mountain village. Lot of lonesome days out on the trail in those years, but the solitude gave me plenty of time to reflect on the short life I had lived to that point in time.
I was about 10 miles from my village when the first of the Ashfalls started raining down from the skies, which went pretty dark even in the midday sun. Since in my neighborhood at the time there weren’t any local Volcanoes and I had zero knowledge of what such events were, I was fucking TERRIFIED. I literally thought the sky was falling down, and I threw most of the load of dried fish and cowrie shells off Zephyr my Zebra, jumped on her back and tore ass for a cave about half mile from where I was at the time, and stayed in there for 4 days while the ash kept falling.
There was a spring inside the cave with plenty of fresh water, and I still had some of the dried fish so I wasn’t going hungry or thirsty, but I was scared out of my wits and wouldn’t leave the cave at all. After the second day though Zephyr got hungry and she wasn’t a fish eater, so she went outside for a few hours to nose through the ashfall and eat some grass. When she returned she was coughing up blood, and she expired a few hours later. I know now that she was breathing in fine particulates of ash that sliced up the inside of her lungs like mincemeat, but at the time this just terrified me more and I was certain I was going to die.
The skies finally cleared on the fourth day and there was a solid 3 inches of ashfall over everything, but the air was pretty clear and the skies turned blue again. I packed up what I had left of the dried fish, skinned Zephyr and dried some of her meat over a fire for additional food and started the walk back to my Village. I said a Prayer for Zephyr and left the rest of her for any other meat eaters still left alive to feed on.
When I finally made it to the Village, it was in ruins, and almost everyone was already dead. To get water they had to leave the huts and go down to the river, and on the trips they breathed in the same slivers of incinerated rock that Zephyr did. A few people who hardly left the huts were still alive, and then the rains came and washed away a lot of the ashfall, and for a while we were able to make a go of it, but then we got another episode of ashfall about a month later. Nobody made it through that one, including me. That was the first Death I remember, and it was not very pleasant, I too was coughing blood and my daughter only 5 years old expired before my eyes about a day before I finally did.
I’m not certain of how long in Corporeal years it was before I found a new host, I think it was most a few days, but it’s really impossible to tell at this point. When I started SEEING things again through Human Eyeballs, the people around me looked a whole lot different than the people I remembered from my village, who were fairly tall and slender with black skin ad high foreheads. This group of people around me was a lot shorter, more muscular and had low sloping brows instead of high foreheads. They were a lot hairier over their whole bodies than the people I remembered, and they didn’t talk at all the same way that the people from my old village spoke. In fact they just seemed to mostly grunt, hoot, holler and whistle, and had a lot of hand signals they used. I was being carried around in a sort of back pack by one of the women, and I got to watch this for many weeks before I finally was out on the ground again and trying to get stable on my new, rather squat little legs. The best part of this time period was that my mom had really good tasting milk and she was very nice to me, rocking me back and forth all the time and picking out the lice in my fairly hairy body, even as an infant. We seemed to spend a lot of time in those days in a Quest for Fire.
Actually in this scene, Rae Dawn Chong was playing ME! I was the one who figured out how to get fire through Friction by Spinning a Stick with my hands! I lost a lot of skin on my hands and had some pretty thick callluses by the time I got this one worked out!
It wasn’t until almost the present day, around the early 1900s or so that I finally figured out I was born into a tribe of Neanderthals in France after the stint down in Africa when Toba went Ballistic, and this was a very fascinating life, although a pretty short one as I bought the farm on that one when I was just about 25 or so. I’ll relate the story of that life in the next Chapter of my Autobiography here on the Doomstead Diner.
Now, back to our Regularly Scheduled Doom…
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