ANTARES FLYING PENIS BLOWS THE CONDOM!

Off the keyboard of RE

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Published on the Doomstead Diner on October 29, 2014

The “Money Shot” comes at 0:31 into the Video

Discuss this article at the Science & Technology Table inside the Diner

A few days ago we had the crash of a Private Jet in Moscow carrying the CEO of Total, ostensibly caused by a Drunken Snowplow Driver. While I am certain most Ruskie Snowplow Driver are drunk, generally speaking they are able to stay out of the way of Airplanes on Takeoff. LOL.

Today’s Aviation Disaster was the Explosion on Launch of an Antares Rocket, ostensibly destined for dropping off supplies at the hunk of junk still circling the Earth called the “International Space Station“. No, it doesn’t look quite like Kubrick’s 2001 Station.

http://filmgrab.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/11-space-station1.png

It looks more like this:

https://i1.wp.com/mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/wsdl/files/201410/internaitional_space_station,_nasa,gov_0.jpg

 

Basically, the best we have been able to accomplish here since Kubrick filmed 2001: A Space Odyssey in 1968 is about the size of a couple of Class I RV Bugout Machines.

https://i1.wp.com/hgtv.sndimg.com/HGTV/2010/02/26/Goss-RV_outdoor-indoor-awning_s4x3_lg.jpg

Without the Porch of course. LOL. The rest of the contraption is scaffolding and about enough PV panels to run the typical McMansion off grid.

We also no longer have Shuttle Service to said Orbiting Bugout Machine, since after running them for 20 years and failing to find a better means of jacking stuff up and down to low earth orbit that was even remotely feasible or affordable, both the FSoA and the Ruskies have retreated to Rockets not a whole lot different than the ones Werner Von Braun sent as Greeting Cards to the Brits in WWII.

https://i0.wp.com/img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140601022006/worldwartwo/images/7/74/V-2_rocket_launching.jpg https://i0.wp.com/d1jqu7g1y74ds1.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Antares_Wallops_Virginia_high.jpg

It’s slightly larger, but it’s still just a Flying Penis. Technologically speaking, it is no different from the Estes Rockets I launched as a kid at summer camp, just a bit larger. No Ion Drive, Warp Drive or Mag Lev here, just burn a lot of fossil fuel really fast and hopefully keep it from exploding on ignition. Regardless of this, Technophiles assure me that in 100 years we will be awash in carbon fiber nanotubes that will take us to a Galaxy Far Far Away. HUMAN INGENUITY! Look at how fast our Iphones can pass Selfies across the Internet! LOL.

Nevertheless, regardless of the fact that this is 70 year old technology we have had plenty of time to perfect, somehow the fucking things STILL manage to occasionally EXPLODE on launch. Back in July 2013 the Ruskies had one of their Flying Penises Blow the Condom on Takeoff. There was another one on May 15th of this year as well.

Of course, this is just because of shoddy Ruskie Rocket Manufacture, right? This might be plausible was it not for the rather odd coinkidink that such explosions of this hardware seem to occur whenever there is geopolitical tension between the Ruskies and the FSoA. Rest of the time they seem to fly flawlessly. You all remember the Challenger crash I trust?

https://i0.wp.com/voices.suntimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/CHALLENGEREXPLOSION.jpg

 

Christa McAuliffe and the rest of the Challenger Crew went to the Great Beyond on January 28, 1986. When was the Soviet Union Collapsing?

The history of the Soviet Union from 1982 through 1991, spans the period from Leonid Brezhnev‘s death and funeral until the dissolution of the Soviet Union. Due to the years of Soviet military buildup at the expense of domestic development, economic growth stagnated[citation needed]. Failed attempts at reform, a standstill economy, and the success of the United States against the Soviet Union’s forces in the war in Afghanistan led to a general feeling of discontent, especially in the Baltic republics and Eastern Europe.[1]

Greater political and social freedoms, instituted by the last Soviet leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, created an atmosphere of open criticism of the communist regime. The dramatic drop of the price of oil in 1985 and 1986 profoundly influenced actions of the Soviet leadership.[2]

I am sure this is just a Coinkidink though. https://i2.wp.com/img.webmd.com/community/images/eyeroll.gif

As the video at the top of the article here indicates, speculation is rife on the Conspiracy Websites that the Antares was taken out by a Ruskie EMP, or by Ruskie Hackers. There are indications also that the Antares was not just carrying Toilet Paper up to the Space Station for the Astronauts to wipe their butts with. Apparently there was some Highly Classified Crypto Equipment on board as well. This is not from Conspiracy Websites, it is from NBC Newz:

A NASA launch commentator said the Cygnus’ cargo included some “classified crypto equipment” that the ground crews were told to prioritize. The equipment was likely to have been used for secure space-to-ground communications. The capsule held 32 Cubesat nanosatellites that were to have been deployed from the space station.

Locals have also been “warned” not to touch any of the debris they might find from the explosion:

Culbertson urged those near the launch site to be careful if they find debris: “This is an accident site, and this was a rocket. If you find anything in the shore area or that came down on your farm or in your yard, alert the local authorities, definitely do not touch it and keep people away from it.”

DON’T TOUCH IT! WTF is it? Flying Ebola maybe?

You can’t make this shit up. I’ll have an Audio Rant on it up in a couple of days, but I keyboard faster than I can edit an Audio File, so I got this one out tonight the Old Fashioned Way. Writing. Unfortunately, few people still READ these days. LOL.

RE

Don’t Miss the TECHNOPHILIA RANT!

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