The Dynamics of a Dysfunctional Relationship.

Off the keyboard of Peter

The Dynamics of a Dysfunctional Relationship.

(Discuss this article)

Much has been written about personal relationships that are destructive. Because such relationships often revolve around family life, with relatively few individuals involved, the dynamics at play are fairly obvious once one looks at such interactions objectively.

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Currently the majority of families in western society are patriarchal in nature. When such patriarchal families become destructive it is often the patriarch that becomes the abuser. There are a number of known solutions to surviving and growing out of such destructive relationships.

Each and every human being is a member of the human race (family). Because the number of individuals involved in the ‘human’ family is in the billions the dynamics of interaction at work are far more difficult to comprehend. It is obvious because of the quality of life of many humans that the overall human family is also dysfunctional in nature.

I suggest that although the numbers involved in the human race are much larger than in individual human families, the dynamics that define the relationships between individuals are identical in both instances, except for in scope.

Abuses heaped on single individuals within families are identical to those heaped on whole races, societies, nations, regions, and groups within the human race.

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If the dynamics are identical at both both scopes, individual family and human race, are the solutions also identical, except for in scope? I believe so.

With this hope I will explore the nature of the known problems and solutions applying to individual dysfunctional families and then extrapolate these ideas and apply them to the human race as a whole. Perhaps this exercise will shed some light on how we as races, societies, nations, regions, groups, and individuals can protect our selves within the dynamics that motivate the human race.

Dysfunctional family
http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.), or sometimes an untreated mental illness.[1] Dysfunctional parents may emulate or are sometimes over-correcting from their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, a “child-like” parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse their children.[1]

Examples
Dysfunctional family members have common features and behavior patterns as a result of their experiences within the family structure. This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors.[4]

Common features
Near universal
These features occur in most dysfunctional families:

Lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity towards certain family members, while expressing extreme empathy towards one or more members (or even pets) who have real or perceived “special needs”. In other words, one family member continuously receives far more than he or she deserves, while another is marginalized.
Denial (refusal to acknowledge abusive behavior, possibly believing that the situation is normal or even beneficial; also known as the “elephant in the room.”)
Inadequate or missing boundaries for self (e.g., tolerating inappropriate treatment from others, failing to express what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, tolerance of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.)
Disrespect of others’ boundaries (e.g. physical contact that other person dislikes; breaking important promises without just cause; purposefully violating a boundary another person has expressed)
Extremes in conflict (either too much fighting or insufficient peaceful arguing between family members)
Unequal or unfair treatment of one or more family members due to their birth order, gender, age, family role (mother, etc.), abilities, race, caste, etc. (may include frequent appeasement of one member at the expense of others, or an uneven enforcement of rules)

Tongue in Cheek …

Abusive Father Can’t Wait To See The Art He’s Inspiring His Kids To Create

CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has in­flicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn’t wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them to create when they grow up.

The 37-year-old father said he could only imagine how his son and daughter’s unstable upbringing might manifest itself in future writings, paintings, or music, given the way he routinely ridicules their achievements, yells at their mother in drunken fits of rage, and threatens the family with physical violence.

“My constant petty bullying alone ought to be worth a couple novels or screenplays—maybe even a solo museum exhibit,” said Sheehan, noting that even when his children do get a break from his verbal abuse, they still suffer from total emotional abandonment. “We’re not talking here about your ordinary, everyday withholding of approval, either. Most of the time, I’m actively undermining and belittling them. Definitely stuff that could be channeled into unique art emblematic of the isolated, tortured nature of human existence.”

“After 18 years of life in that kind of menacing environment, you could easily be looking at the next Jackson Pollock and Sylvia Plath,” he added. (continued…)

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An abusive personality is a character flaw often based in insecurity.

 

Beware Insecure Men
By: Pamela Mooman http://www.life123.com/relationships/communication/understanding-men/beware-insecure-men.shtml

Insecure men can wreak havoc in any relationship; recognizing signs of insecurity and then being strong enough to deal with the situation can save wasted years and many tears in the long run.

Insecurity can manifest itself in many ways, but a couple of personality types are the most common and recognizable.

Openly Insecure Men
This type of personality can drain patience and strength from others, especially a girlfriend or life partner. Here are some traits that openly insecure men may exhibit:

Constantly clamoring for praise and reassurance
An inability to make decisions
Inappropriate social behavior and conversation
Overly polite to the point of annoyance due to fear of offending
Poor posture to the point of actually walking bent over
Occasional violent outbursts that are inappropriate in relation to triggers
Heavy drinking, alcoholism, or drug addiction

Narcissistic Men
This personality type can overwhelm and batter another, causing intense psychic pain and sometimes physical pain, as well. Despite the strong-arm tactics, however, this personality type is often born from an intense sense of insecurity. The narcissism, where the man is focused only on his pleasure and desires, develops to hide that insecurity. Here are some traits that narcissists may exhibit:

Verbally insulting and abusive
Physically and/or sexually abusive
An inability to see or validate another’s point of view
Affections that run hot and cold, depending on the narcissist’s mood and needs
Manipulative

Dealing with Insecure Men

Unfortunately, no one can change and grow unless they desire to themselves. Here are some tactics to try to deal with insecure men:

Talk openly with the man; point out habits that are annoying, troublesome, or painful, and then give him a chance to speak openly about his feelings, if he is willing.

If one-on-one communication is not possible, see if he is willing to try couples counseling.
If he is not, ask him if he will consider individual counseling or therapy.

Sometimes there is nothing to do but walk away from undeniable insecurity or narcissism. Whether it means simply breaking up, or it means a divorce and all of the complications that can bring, be aware that the insecure man must first want to grow for himself and let go of painful habits and old beliefs that no longer serve him.

This is where strength comes in for life partners or those dating insecure men. The trial comes whether the man is willing to help himself in order to save his relationship, or if he is not, then having to make the decision to turn away from his harmful behavior.

A sense of power over others is as addictive as any substance that allows one to escape physical reality. Substance ‘abuse’ is often the result of finding one’s reality unacceptable. Power ‘abuse’ is often the result of finding one’s self unacceptable. The adulation, forced or otherwise, of others reassures the power addict of their own worth. Like other drugs ‘power’ is addictive and constant use requires ever larger doses to attain the same level of high.

Power really does corrupt as scientists claim it’s as addictive as cocaine
By Daily Mail Reporter

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2136547/Power-really-does-corrupt-scientists-claim-addictive-cocaine.html#ixzz2CbtA83c3
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

More than a hundred years after noted historian Baron John Acton coined the phrase ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely’ scientists claim the saying is biologically true.

The feeling of power has been found to have a similar effect on the brain to cocaine by increasing the levels of testosterone and its by-product 3-androstanediol in both men and women.

This in turn leads to raised levels of dopamine, the brain’s reward system called the nucleus accumbens, which can be very addictive.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2136547/Power-really-does-corrupt-scientists-claim-addictive-cocaine.html#ixzz2CbswxZBP

The Cycle of Addiction
http://www.youthaddiction.com/English/CycleAddiction.html

The life cycle of addiction begins with a problem, discomfort or some form of emotional or physical pain a person is experiencing. They find this very difficult to deal with.

We start off with an individual who, like most people in our society, is basically good. This person encounters a problem or discomfort that they do not know how to resolve or cannot confront. This could include problems such as difficulty “fitting in” as a child or teenager, anxiety due to peer pressure or work expectations, identity problems or divorce as an adult. It can also include physical discomfort, such as an injury or chronic pain.

The person experiencing the discomfort has a real problem. He feels his present situation is unendurable, yet sees no good solution to the problem. Everyone has experienced this in life to a greater or lesser degree. The difference between an addict and the non-addict is that the addict chooses drugs or alcohol as a solution to the unwanted problem or discomfort.

This person tries drugs or alcohol. The drugs APPEAR to solve his problem. He feels better. Because he now SEEMS better able to deal with life, the drugs become valuable to him. The person looks on drugs or alcohol as a cure for unwanted feelings. The painkilling effects of drugs or alcohol become a solution to their discomfort.

Inadvertently the drug or alcohol now becomes valuable because it helped them feel better. This release is the main reason a person uses drugs or drinks a second or third time. It is just a matter of time before he becomes fully addicted and loses the ability to control his drug use.

Drug addiction, then, results from excessive or continued use of physiologically habit-forming drugs in an attempt to resolve the underlying symptoms of discomfort or unhappiness.

The Addiction Progresses.

Analogous to an adolescent child in his first love affair, the use of drugs or alcohol becomes obsessive. The addicted person is trapped. Whatever problem he was initially trying to solve by using drugs or alcohol fades from memory. At this point, all he can think about is getting and using drugs. He loses the ability to control his usage and disregards the horrible consequences of his actions.

Alcohol And Drug Tolerance

In addition to the mental stress created by his unethical behavior, the addict’s body has also adapted to the presence of the drugs. He will experience an overwhelming obsession with getting and using his drugs, and will do anything to avoid the pain of withdrawing from them. This is when the newly-created addict begins to experience drug cravings.

He now seeks drugs both for the reward of the “pleasure” they give him, and also to avoid the mental and physical horrors of withdrawal. Ironically, the addict’s ability to get “high” from the alcohol or drug gradually decreases as his body adapts to the presence of foreign chemicals. He must take more and more, not just to get an effect but often just to function at all.

At this point, the addict is stuck in a vicious dwindling spiral. The drugs he abuses have changed him both physically and mentally. He has crossed an invisible and intangible line. He is now a drug addict or alcoholic.

How to assess an abusive relationship.

Are you attracted to abusive men? Here are the top 10 signs of an abusive man.

http://www.authorsden.com/categories/article_top.asp?catid=57&id=28889

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.”

Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness

– Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control

– He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates

– Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words

– He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you

– An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women

– Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself

– Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.

Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous. If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.

Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Written by

Abuse Expert, Stephany Alexander, B.A., Author, Women’s Speaker
Credentials: Stephany Alexander is the founder of www.WomanSavers.com, one of the most popular women’s sites on the net (top 5%) receiving millions of hits per month.

The overwhelming consensus of those knowledgeable about abusive relationships is that the only option to stop the abuse within such relationships is to leave them. There is minimal chance that an abusive partner will change. Here’s some thoughts to help assess the possibility of change allowing you to stay in such a relationship.

Help for abused and battered women: Making the decision to leave
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:

If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change…
The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.

If you believe you can help your abuser… It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse… When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers… Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.

If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave… You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

* He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.

* He continues to blame others for his behavior.

* He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.

* He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.

* He tells you that you owe him another chance.

* You have to push him to stay in treatment.

* He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.

* He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.

* He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.

* He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.


APPLYING THE ABOVE IDEAS TO THE LARGER FOCUS OF THE HUMAN RACE

Our leaders, be they social, political, commercial, or hidden behind the curtain, are the equivalent of the powerful partner in our common societal relationship. We the masses are the preyed upon partner. Using the analysis above, are there signs the leadership class is mostly abusive in nature? My answer to this question is, “yes, overwhelmingly so”.

How can this be? These people seem so sure of themselves and live lives of luxury and freedom(?) beyond our dreams. Why would they be abusive towards others?

With the access to information that the internet made possible it has become obvious a very small group of families in the leadership class have over many generations managed to consolidate the vast majority of worldly power and wealth to themselves. They have managed to do this by forcibly indoctrinating their young to carry on their legacy. If the founders of this legacy where abusive to their kin then their abusive traits would be forwarded through each subsequent generation.

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Imagine the pressure on you from your parents and peers if you were the heir to a legacy created by those obsessed with wealth and power. The societal pressures we the masses feel are nothing compared to the pressures the children of the elite of our society feel. They may have untold wealth and luxury but they live in a meat grinder where they do as they are told or are destroyed.

Personally there isn’t enough money in the world for me to desire to be in their shoes.

With the multi-generational abuse they have been subjected to and the undeniable power and wealth they have collected, the chances of the leadership class changing their own ways are remote if not nil.

The vast majority of humans are still in denial that they are in an abusive relationship with their leaders.

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The truth movement on the internet has gotten to the point of realizing they are being abused by their leaders.

The truth movement is still mostly in denial that the only viable option to surviving such a relationship is to leave it.

The truth movement is kidding itself that change within the relationship is possible.

Part of the truth movement is convinced it can overpower the abusive partner. This might be possible but what does meeting violence with violence (whether verbal or physical) accomplish? Do you then only become the dominant partner in an abusive relationship? Is that any better than being the victim?

Escaping this relationship.

The societal infrastructure and economy we live within is the home we cohabit with our abusive partner which they control. As long as we remain within it we remain under their thumb. As long as we cooperate with them in maintaining this home we enable our continued abuse.

For most of us stepping outside this home appears to be an insurmountable problem and our abusive partner keeps reinforcing that idea at every opportunity.

The hard truth is that regardless of how difficult this step is, it is the only direction to survival without abuse. The situation is do or die regardless of the cost involved. We either continue to put up with abuse or we do what is necessary to remove ourselves from the abusive situation.

There is a lengthy bit of documentation, which there is not room to include here, that demonstrates clearly that abuse based on addiction continuously escalates and becomes more destructive in nature. It takes more and more of a substance to reach the same high because our body builds a tolerance to an often used substance.

The abuse we are currently seeing from our leaders is the result of their addiction to power and is not set in scope. It will continue to escalate and become worse over time. Most uncontrolled addicts continuously escalate their addiction until it finally kills them. They will generally take those that enabled them down with them.

Escaping ‘their’ house is not just a physical process, it is also spiritual in nature (combined and balanced emotional and logical realization).

After we accept that we are in an unsolvable abusive relationship the next step is to prepare to step out of it.

After we are prepared we make the step of leaving keeping in mind the information from above.

Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Speaking from personal experience…. The problem of finding an alternative lifestyle appears more formidable than it actually is. With determination and perseverance it is still possible to find happiness and survivability outside of the abuser’s house. Looking back after a period you will shake your head in wonder at how limited the reality you used to live in was.

A really important point to consider – Our common human house is much more complex than the average family. You are not the only abused person in the greater relationship. There are billions being abused just like you are. The abuser is dependent on the combined efforts of all those they abuse to keep them in their position of power. As abused individuals we can do little to help each other and escaping our self will not greatly inconvenience the abuser. However until we help ourselves we cannot help others and each and everyone of us that says enough is enough and steps out of abuse is another chink in the armor of the abuser. Eventually as more people escape abuse it will become easier for them to effectively help those still caught in the clutches of abuse.

Forgiveness – is often mentioned as an essential component of becoming well once again after surviving abuse. A great thought I came across today on the internet. “You are not forgiving their actions, you are forgiving their debt.” This allows you to move on in your life without being held back by your past experiences.

(Discuss this article)

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